


For you

by Katana_I



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22941391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katana_I/pseuds/Katana_I
Summary: He wants to love her, he really does but his heart already belongs to someone else. And he hates himself for it.
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon, Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 5





	1. One

The light of the cameras hurt his eyes and he feels like grabbing the irritating equipment and throw them on the ground. The loud chatter is adding to his headache and it takes all his strength to not say "Fuck it" and walk out of there. 

He's tired, all of them are. The month had been one of the busiest in his entire life, or maybe it's because he's been out of it for so long. Either way he just wants to get this over with and get some sleep.

"G.D shi," a voice calls grabbing his attention, "people say that T.O.P shi marrying after coming out of the service was a move to improve his image from degrading further?"

The leader looks at him with a frown, the discomfort visible on his face. He doesn't want to say anything on the matter. Neither does the person in question.

"G.D shi, what do you have to say?" The reporter continues, insisting for an answer, any sort of comment, anything for him to spin a story out of.

His eyes flicker to T.O.P again, hand curling around the microscope, leg tapping impatiently under the table.

"Why would he have something to say?" A feminine voice interrupts and almost immediately the attention is shifted to the woman entering the hall, clad in crisp white blouse and a navy blue pencil skirt. Her hair sit atop her head in a carefully constructed ponytail and her heels click against the floor as she walks towards the front, towards them.

"I married T.O.P shi because I love him, nothing more, nothing less. You can think of it whatever way you want reporter nim but that's the truth," there is a sort of authority in her voice, in her stance as she comes to stand behind the said person, the smell of vanilla wrapping around him.

"But it was so sudden. And the circumstances under which he went back to continue his service....," Another one questions.

"People make mistakes reporter nim and people learn from them as well. That's what make us human, isn't it? He made a mistake and did everything in his power to reprimand. Will you continue trying to drag him down? Hasn't he proved himself?" Her hands rests on his shoulders, a gesture telling him that it'd be fine.

He's thankful for that, he's thankful for her continued support, for her help, for her unconditional love. He's thankful for her presence. Something he never told her because he's not good with words, never have been. 

"Is it enough?" She asks, withdrawing her hands, "Can these hard working man go and celebrate the grand success of their comeback?"

There is a collective hmm in the crowd and he takes it as a yes. Finally it's over. The promotions have gone well, they've even won four times and VIPs have shown them the same love they always did. Even after he had seriously fucked up.

They make their way backstage with her taking the lead and he observes, for the first time that she's tired too. It's visible in the way she walks. It's no surprise considering that she has worked just as hard for this album, for the promotions. She is the producer after all. The only one willing to risk her money on them when others thought it would only be a waste because Bigbang was just a thing of the past. Now there are new groups, younger groups, good looking groups, not surrounded by controversy. Not doing stupid things like him. Idols with ideal, clean image. Idols whose penis size was not compared to a lipstick.

"Thanks noona," Daesung is the first to speak when they reach the dressing room area, his goofy smile adoring his features. But despite that the exhaustion is visible on his face.

She just smiles in return.

"Yes thank you for that. I thought they wouldn't let us go," Taeyang adds, massaging his temples. T.O.P feels his own headache flare back to life.

"Well it's my duty as your producer," she replies, "Well it's the end of promotions so you people could go celebrate if you want. C.E.O said it's his treat," she informs taking out her cell and messaging the band the location.

"Aren't you coming noona?" SeungRi enquires, confused, "You are a part of this album as well. You should come celebrate."

"He's right, you should come along," G.D adds, putting the phone in his pocket.

She looks at her husband, taking in the blank expression on his face and after a few moments she agrees.

The bar is full of life, everyone is having a great time because their hard work has paid off. There's food, there are drinks and there is karaoke. 

"I should be going," she says after half an hour, dusting off her skirt and getting on her feet.

"But noona we just came!" SeungRi complains, obviously drunk. 

"It's getting late SeungRi ah and I have some work to finish," she explains offering him a smile.

"But noona can't you stay a bit longer?" Daesung whines, noodles hanging mid air as he turns his attention from the food to her.

"I can't Daesung ah, but I'll make up to you some other time okay?" With that she gathers her things and begins to walks away.

"Shouldn't you be taking her home?" The C.E.O questions seeing T.O.P make no move to get up.

"It's okay," she interuppts before he can answer, "he should enjoy himself. It's been a long month. I'll be leaving first." And then she's gone and he hates himself for not thanking her, for not stopping her, for not taking her home. He hates himself for not wanting to.

He bites on the long expanse of his lover's neck enjoying the moans that result from his ministrations. His hands trail down the sides of the person underneath him and the moans get louder, fueling his desire. He feels himself getting hard as his lover pushes upwards grinding them together.

A wave of pleasure comes over him an he grips the person's hips tightly, his fingers bruising the other's hipbone but he could care less. 

All he wants right now is to bury himself deep into his lover's heat, to drive him insane, hear his name being screamed in that lovely voice as so he does.

Hours later they lay in bed, naked, sated and content with each other's presence.

"What are you thinking?" His lover asks, drawing circles on his bare chest, a gesture he finds highly soothing.

"I am a horrible person," he admits taking that hand and interwining their fingers, "I hate myself for doing this to you, for doing this to her. Why can't I...," he couldn't complete, breaking down at the last word.

"Love her?" His lover completes, wiping away the tears, "You can't love her because your heart belongs to me, because you already love me."

"Then I shouldn't have married her. If I couldn't love her, I shouldn't have."

"You did it for Bigbang, you did it to save BigBang!"

And that makes him feel worst. He used her and gave her nothing in return. But he knows he he were to choose again. He would make the same choice, the same decision. He would still use her if it meant his band could survive.

Yes he is, indeed a horrible person.

"I should go. It's already pretty late," getting out of bed, he dresses up, straightening the collar more to hide the hickeys.

"Can't you stay a little longer?" The voice from the bed asks and he's tempted to say yes because the sight of his lover wrapped in the sheets, chest bare, hairs disheveled is so very inviting but he couldn't stay.

"You know I can't," he says putting on socks and heading over to the bed to press a light kiss on his lover's forehead, "I love you Ji Yong."

And he's graced with his leader's beautiful smile, "Love you too Hyunnie"

The house is dark when he comes back and he'd relieved to think that she's asleep. He doesn't want to face her, not when he just had sex with Ji Yong.

But he's proved wrong when he turns the corner and the light in the kitchen is on. He finds her sitting on the dining table, two empty mugs of tea before her. She always wait for him, even though he has told her not to.

"You're home," she breathes when he comes in view.

"Yes," he doesn't want to face her right now, let alone talk to her.

"OK," with that she takes the mugs to the sink, dumping them in and makes her way to the bedroom.

He releases the the breath he's been holding once she's out of view and the door closes behind her. Then he goes to the guestroom and takes a shower.

He hasn't touched her, not once in the four months they have been married. He couldn't do that to her, he was horrible enough as it is. And she never forced him, never once asked why he wanted separate bedrooms, why he never looked at her with love, why he never touched her once. She never said a thing.

"Hyung I know you're married and all but could you try and be less conspicuous about it?" SeungRi teases, a sly smile on his lips and T.O.P doesn't understand what he's trying to say. Taeyang and Daesung have pink adoring their cheeks.

It's only when he sees G.D tracing a finger on his neck that he realises he forgot to cover up the hickeys. To his horror, the exact moment she comes in, carrying a folder and discussing something with her assistant.

"Noona," SeungRi calls, getting her attention and she looks up from the folder. T.O.P tries to hush SeungRi but the maknae is not the one to be discouraged.

"You should be gentle with our hyung here!" He takes to teasing her, making a stupid face. SeungRi has always enjoyed adult things and the prospect of sex is highly exciting for him, especially when it involves harassing a certain hyung.

She looks at him confused until he points to the hickeys on T.O.P' s neck and her eyes settle on the marks, marks that she surely didn't give. There is a moment of silence and he braces himself for the worst, trying to read her expressions but failing because honestly there is nothing to read. She's blank, like an unused sheet of paper. 

And maybe, just maybe he's relieved. He doesn't have to act anymore, he doesn't have to lie anyone. He doesn't have to feel bad everytime he looks at her. Maybe it's for the best. It's time she knows.

But then before the environment could get tense she smiles, the way she always does and turns back to SeungRi, "Couldn't help it SeungRi ah." And then she walks away, resuming her discussion with the man.

And the lovers are left there with surprised faces.

"You knew?" He catches her in her office before she could slip away. She has been dodging him for two days now and it's unsettling.

"I did," she admits, trying to create some distance between them.

"Then...?" Why did she not say anything, why did she still help him, why did she still stay?

She looks at her husband, taking in his sharp eyebrows, his deep eyes, his straight nose, the lips she has wanted to kiss for so long. She takes in all of him, remembering everything.

"I guess I am just selfish," there is something heartbreaking about the way she says it and once again he's reminded of how horrible of a person he is, "Knowing you'd always love him but hoping that one day, just a fraction of it would be for me. I am an idiot."

He wants to say something, anything but nothing comes out. And she smiles that smile again, the one he has come to hate.

"Don't mind me," she continues, knowing he won't say anything, he never does, "I'll stop being selfish one day. For you, I will, I promise."

Then she's gone, leaving behind the faint vanilla scent and he slumps down, head between knees, it's always for him isn't it?

Hours later, that's how G.D finds him, still on the floor and wraps his arms around his lover, trying to console him.

Once he's better, he asks, "What did she say?"

"She knew," he provides, looking at the setting sun, outside the window.

"Then why did she?" 

"For you," he breathes, taking in his lover's scent, "That's what she said."


	2. 2

You know why I called you," it's not a question, never is.

"Yes," she answers nonetheless, fingers tightening around the stem of her flute.

"Then you must also know that we are not happy with how things are going," the woman across her says in a stern voice. Her red lips thinning in distaste, "this is not how the daughter of ours should live her married life."

"Mother....," She starts but a hand is raised, her signal to keep quiet.

"I've let you handle him long enough," she's cutting through the meat with such precision that it scares her, "celebrity or not, he will not dishonor our name."

"Mother please," she has been taught to always stay calm, to never show her fears so openly but it's no use, not against the woman sitting across her. She can see through every fascade she puts up, "just give me a few more days."

"A few more days daughter? So that your father could know how incompetent his daughter is?" The words hurt but she could do nothing but listen, "letting her husband fuck around with another man?"

"He won't know, just a few more days. Please," she'll have to do something, anything. Her father would kill Suenghyun. Nobody messes with their image, nobody.

"I am giving you four days, that's all. If you can't do anything till then, I'll take matters into my own hands."

"Yes, mother," it's the best she could get out of this so she accepts gratefully.

"Remember daughter, you either make things right or you make the wrong ones disappear."

"I know mother."

She returns home to find it empty. No surprise there. He barely comes home, opting to avoid her as far as he can. Even if he's not with jiyong, he stays back at the studio. Anywhere but home.

She almost laughs at the irony of it, it's his house and yet he's barely there. 

It's already past midnight and the chances of him coming home are almost nil. She still decides to wait.  
Making herself a cup of tea and sitting at the dining table they haven't used once. 

One cup turns into two and the hands on the clock continue to grow apart, he still doesn't come home. It's at the break of the dawn that she dumps her fifth cup into the sink and decides to get some sleep.

She'll have to think how to tackle the problem her mother had presented to her.

She visits the studio in the evening, with enough sleep in her system. She has wanted to give them a new song, a slower one since she believes that they manage to do magic with tracks like those. 

Thankfully YG seems to like the song and it doesn't take much after that to convince the others. It's her surprise to them, the lyrics have not been finalized yet but she wants to take her time to do that. While she is not musically gifted (that department is handled by her partner) she knows her way with words.

"Noona, this is good," Daesung literally beams at her from his place on the sofa, "This is gonna be a hit!"

"I really hope for it to be a hit, Daesung-ah," she smiled at him, "Let me get over with the lyrics and we can begin with the recording."

"I can't wait for this, you'll give me the most lines yeah noona?"

"We'll see," she teases him but his voice fits perfectly with the song. They both know it. She'll have to change it around the pre chorus for jiyong and Suenghyun to fit.

"Have you seen Oppa?" She asks, playing with the pencil, the sheet of paper mostly blank.

"T.O.P hyung?"

"Hmm."

"Manager hyung took him for a script reading," he answers, watching her carefully, "he's planning to return to the big screen."

She didn't know that, "Oh I remember Oppa saying something like that. I was just too sleepy."

"Noona, is something wrong?"

"No, it isn't Daesung-ah," she gives him a resurring smile, "I guess I've just been cranky lately."

"So make up to him," the smile she receives in return is naughty.

"Oppa," it's the second day that she manages to catch him before he leaves to have a photoshoot.

He seems taken aback to find her run after him, "Yes?"

"Can we talk? I really need to talk to you."

He throws a look behind him, at the car waiting for him and then at her, "Fine." He doesn't want to.

They find themselves in one of the recording rooms, walls soundproof. Is this normal? Do couples meet like this in such rooms? Or were the glances being thrown their way as they made their way here was just in her head?

"What is it?" He asks, leaning against the closed door.

She clears her throat, trying to gather her thoughts. She doesn't have time, she doesn't even have options.

"Stop seeing him," she blurts out, hands fisting tightly.

"What?" He looks like he has seen a ghost, "I..... I can't. No, I won't." There's such conviction in his voice. 

That's love, she concludes. Love you'll never have.

"Just for a few days," she's quick to explain, "Please. Just come home and spent time there. It's not permanent, I'll think of some way out of this."

"What are you even saying?"

"Suenghyun shhi, please," she tries again, taking a few steps forward but then halting. She can't explain, can't tell him that her family is not happy. He'll not understand what they can do, what they are capable of. What old money, and old connections are capable of.

"I...."

"Think of it as my marriage gift. I won't ask for anything ever again."

He looks ready to rebuttal but then just draws in a breath as if accepting defeat, "Fine. How long?"

"A week," she doesn't want him to say no at the get go. 

"A week? Ok. I can do that."

"Thank you."

With a nod, he's already walking out the door.

It's quite, she can hear him walk out, trying to shut the door with as little noise as possible. His one week mark is over. He has kept his promise, came home on time, didn't meet jiyong, didn't go out but never spent time with her, not when she would sit in the drawing room, waiting with popcorn and a movie, not when she would set up the dining table with dishes she couldn't even stomach properly. But then again, it hasn't been part of the deal.

She knows it was hurting him, to stay away from jiyong like that. She could see it in his eyes. And so she stays in her room as he leaves, letting him go. He deserves this after the week. She'll talk to him again in a few days. For now what he gave was enough.

Or not. Because the next day she's on phone with her mother. This time no pleading works, "You think I can be fooled like this? Trapping him for a week is not enough! You need to trap him for his entire life!"

"Mother...."

"No, I'll handle this. What do you think people will say when the news of our son-in-law being with a man comes out huh? You think your father would ever be able to show his face again?"

"Mother, give me another chance," she steels herself, "I'll take care of this."

"And how will you do that?" She can hear that her mother is mocking her but it's the least of her worries now.

"By making the wrong one disappear," she says, almost breaking the phone in her grip.

There's a pause and she can feel the woman smile from the other end, "Ah, finally. I know just the right person for the job."

She feels her stomach churn.

The sound of the door opening is so faint that she almost missed it, had it not been for the signature 'click' of the lock falling into place. A minute later he emerged from around the corner, blazer in hand.

"You're awake," he says bypassing her to get to his room, the guest room.

"Can we talk?" She asks before he can close the door.

He raises an eyebrow, "It's not going to work you know," he says when she stands there without any word, "I love him."

She smiles at him in return only for him to narrow his eyes, "I know."

"Then no matter how much we talk, it won't change anything."

"Is it that hard?" She asks, knowing it's the last question she'll get, "Is it so hard to love me?"

He doesn't answer, just turns around to close the door but before he could, she's there, in a few strides, standing in front of him.

"Can you kiss me? Just once?" Her voice is desperate, she can hear it ring in her own ears. Her parents would be so ashamed if they saw her right now, "Please, just once. The first and the last time?"

He looks in her eyes, as if searching for something then at her lips and leans in, almost. But then he's pulling back just as fast, putting as much distance between them as possible.

"No," it's a whisper but she hears it, it's hard not to because the house is so quiet.

This time it's her who's searching his eyes for something but she finds nothing so she moves back, gives him back his space.

The door is closed a second later and it's then that she mutters a 'I love you' because it hurts, it hurts so much to see him love someone else so openly, so fiercely. She could do with just a little of that. She doesn't need all of it, she'll be happy with just a bit.

Her phone rings when she dumps the mug in the basin, letting it be. She's not in the mood to wash anything.

"Yes," she picks it up once in the vicinity of her own room. 

"We got the photo," the voice on the other end makes her feel sick and she has to lean on the door for support, "and the advance payment. When do you need the job done?"

"This Friday," she says, looking at the calendar on the bed side table, " Two days from now. There's a party."

"Very well," the person says and then it's silent.

She feels the bile rising in her throat. It's wrong, it's so so wrong what she's about to do but she doesn't have another choice. She loves him so much.

And she has to make sure that the wrong one disappears.


End file.
